National News

Jacob Rees-Mogg has, today woken up in 1818 after instructing his Valet to put his clock back 200 years. His Butler, Riff Raff told us, "He came downstairs for Breakfast at 8 to take his...

A Rochdale man has spoken to us about vegetable he has found that looks remarkably like Prince Charles.  Bill Board told us, "It was last Saturday that I found it. I saw it sticking out...

Young girls were released into the Sandringham Estate and shot at as part of Ghislaine Maxwell's birthday celebrations, Prince Andrew has revealed. The Duke of Pork has denied having sex with the underage girls, however,...

Men have been asked to put some clothes on because they really shouldn't be in the pub half naked.  Professor Gareth Linkeker of the Institute of Instutes said: "It really is time for men to...

Drivers and commuters are facing another difficult day of delays and difficult journeys across the UK after a second night of freezing temperatures.  The Met Office has extended yellow warnings for snow and ice until...

Old fat rogue, "Sir" Philip Green has been named in the House of Lords as the "businessman" behind an interim injunction in the latest #metoo scandal to surprise no one. For many years, his alleged...

Dads are said to be giddy with excitement at the news that it's only one more sleep until they can start their Christmas shopping. Dads around the country are thought to be considering thinking about...

Christmas is officially ruined after the managing director of a local advertising agency was caught by his wife bonking his secretary on Christmas Eve. Father of two Harry, 52 and a bit, was confronted by...

Inner-city police are warning of the rise of a brutal new "sport" among the working classes, a savage, twisted parody of the fine ancient tradition of foxhunting, known among the poor and common as...

The Daily Mail is calling for a web browser alert that tells readers that prolonged exposure to its website will turn them into completely racist bellends to be changed. The NewGuard plug-in for Microsoft Edge...

In a surprise move, the Pope has announced plans to beatify Roger Moore, the popular actor who has very sadly passed away today. The Pope was a keen fan of the 1960s TV show and had...

Nigel Farage has left LBC and got a job on a new remake of Howards' Way called, Nigels' Way. Producer Bill Board told us, "Nigel plays Nigel, a man who has experienced 2 redundancies in...

Biscuit giant McVities have issued an urgent product recall of their chocolate hobnob range, after it was found that a recent batch of the chocolate-dipped biscuits had the chocolate on the wrong side. Company spokesman...

Britain has revealed it is spoiled for choice on which incompetent aresehole it has leading it. A spokesman told us, "Everyone is cheering at the prospect of a fresh Prime Minister with new ideas to...

The Home Secretary Elmer Fudd has resigned, Downing Street has said. Mr Fudd, was due to make a Commons Statement on Monday about the Windrush scandal, but has instead chosen to remain "vewy, vewy quiet"...

Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red. Whilst most people south of Chester remarked on its unusual appearance and took photos for...