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Rochdale, UK

People who speak in cliches to be removed from breeding population

Sociologists and linguists from Rochdale Community University have discovered that Kelvin Pastie, 31, an unemployed conspiracy theorist, speaks almost entirely in cliches. "We first heard of him on a Twitter feed when he said, 'Corybin should...
Queen and Philip

Queen’s speech delayed for halal vellum

"The ritualistic slaughter of goat is an essential pre-requisite for planned legislation in a parliamentary democracy." So said a spokesperson for 10 Downing Street today when explaining that the Queen's speech had to be...

Fish in a barrel given all clear after May misses them by a mile

In a world exclusive, The Rochdale Herald has discovered another plan of Theresa May's has recently backfired. It is believed to have involved a barrel of fish and a harpoon gun. It is reported a...

Everton confident of beating Liverpool after Blackpool supply ten loan players

The sporting pages were full colour blaze today with the news that Blue and Orange have done a deal to topple the Reds. Everton Chairman Trevor May today announced that new manager Ronald Koeman has...

Boris Johnson breaks the ice in DUP meeting with “Paddy and Mick walk into...

It appears only a matter of hours after a desperate Theresa May formed a coalition with the Northern Irish DUP, relationships have broken down. A Downing street source has told the Herald the initial meeting...

Man from London travelling to “the north” planning trip with Siri

Max Maxi, an inhabitant of the sub-tropical zone of England known as South London, is planning a trip to "the north" with Siri. "It's truly nerve wracking. I don't have much time to prepare." Max...

Hipster Opens Beard Sanctuary

Veteran hipster, Coriolanus McFly, has long been noted for his community work and compassion towards facial hair trends. "I love up-cycling too." McFly declared, inviting the Rochdale Herald's Trends Correspondent into his abode. The abode is...

Wank Bank to close with loss of 1,200 Hand Jobs – Bosses Blame 4G...

The Wank Bank, formally Britain's premier repository of one-handed images, has announced that it will shut its doors after over 100 years of trading. Founded in Rochdale in 1880 as the Rochdale Mutual Society, it originally...

Unfortunately, Jimmy Carr survives breakthrough surgery

With great regret, surgeons at Kings College London have released a statement confirming the successful operation to remove a rogue dog toy squeaker that had been mysteriously lodged in Jimmy Carr's windpipe for years. One...

Satire Is Officially Obsolete, Satirists Announce

Satirists have officially announced that satire is no more, it has been confirmed. A spokesman on behalf of satirists, announced, "As of January 31st 2017, satire is dead." Satire has been called obsolete in the past,...

Britain Mourns the Loss of George Michael Jokes – We Look Back at Terrible...

Britain is tonight coming to terms with the sudden loss of George Michael jokes and as a target for snide comments & toilet based humour.
Salt and Vinegar crisps

A word in your ear Mr Lineker

I have a suggestion for Gary Lineker Maybe you should stop selling Salt & Vinegar If your boss still works with the devil Then tell them to start using Gary Neville If those twats don't like your tweets Then...

Terrify your neighbours with The Original Trumpkin

Make your own Original Trumpkin! Have you ever wanted to scare the bejeezus out of your neighbours on Halloween? Finally you have you chance with The Rochdale Herald's original Trumpkin! Step 1. Download the following template and...

Rochdale woman in Waitrose platitude tragedy

A Rochdale woman was left devastated today after discovering that she will now be looking after her neighbour's children for the next three Sunday mornings in a row. Sharon Smith from the Falinge area of...

The Eagle has not landed

Labour Party leadership challenger Angela Eagle, who stated that she would not make backroom deals, has pulled out of the race after her backroom dealwith Owen Smith failed. "It was decided that we should unite...

ISIS claim responsibility for the sinking of lost city of Atlantis

After claiming that the recent murder of 84 people in Nice, a spokesman for the so-called Islamic State have issued a list of other things that “soldiers of IS” have apparently been responsible for. On...

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