Terrify your neighbours with The Original Trumpkin

Make your own Original Trumpkin! Have you ever wanted to scare the bejeezus out of your neighbours on Halloween? Finally you have you chance with The Rochdale Herald's original Trumpkin! Step 1. Download the following template and...

Is there something Stephen Crabb isn’t telling us?

In a dramatically uncharacteristic move Stephen Crabb, the former intern at  anti-equality fundamentalist Christian group CARE and employer of interns from the anti-equality fundamentalist Christian group CARE,  made a play for the leadership of...

Herald Horrible Histories presents Pathetic Presidents

Episode 1 - Pathetic Presidents. The Terrible Trumps. Welcome to the News at When. When? The 21st century, when one of America's presidents was a 9-year-old boy, Donald Trump. With more details, here’s Michael Fish...

Wank Bank to close with loss of 1,200 Hand Jobs – Bosses Blame 4G...

The Wank Bank, formally Britain's premier repository of one-handed images, has announced that it will shut its doors after over 100 years of trading. Founded in Rochdale in 1880 as the Rochdale Mutual Society, it originally...

New father awarded medal for empathy by comparing childbirth to having a tricky poo

"My partner, Honeydew, was having an awful time squeezing little Clytemnestra out. It reminded me of a time I had ferocious constipation and needed half an hour to curl one out." He spread a little ketchup on his sausage.
Salt and Vinegar crisps

A word in your ear Mr Lineker

I have a suggestion for Gary Lineker Maybe you should stop selling Salt & Vinegar If your boss still works with the devil Then tell them to start using Gary Neville If those twats don't like your tweets Then...
Bomb Squad

New Samsung Galaxy Note 8 to be unveiled by military bomb disposal unit

Samsung have hit the press with the announcement that their new Galaxy Note 8 device will be unveiled in August by military bomb disposal experts. While they are confident they have fixed the battery issues...
Plain wooden coffin

Rochdale man takes own life after using the word “Stat”

Local person and Rochdale Herald editor Quentin D.Fortesque has today ended the sad experiment that was his life, after an ill-advised use of the word "stat" to colleagues. Fortesque, of unknown age, was holding an...

New Tory Crabbs Clinic opens in Rochdale

Great news for Rochdale's Yorkshire Street just keeps rolling in. As well as being a wonderful area for shopping, entertainment and food, it's also becoming something of a local equivalent of London's Harley Street...

Satirists run out of ink

Thousands of satirists across the UK and their tens of readers around the world face a crisis as the supplies of ink slowed to dribble today. Analysts blame the shortage on an abnormally high...

Rochdale woman in Waitrose platitude tragedy

A Rochdale woman was left devastated today after discovering that she will now be looking after her neighbour's children for the next three Sunday mornings in a row. Sharon Smith from the Falinge area of...
Dunkirk Queue

Queue for pedalos during Dunkirk evacuation shorter than Benidorm immigration control confirm veterans

Eyewitness accounts given by proper British holidaymakers desperate to return to the UK reveal that queues for pedalos during the Dunkirk evacuation were shorter than the immigration queues currently being suffered at Benidorm immigration...

Satire Is Officially Obsolete, Satirists Announce

Satirists have officially announced that satire is no more, it has been confirmed. A spokesman on behalf of satirists, announced, "As of January 31st 2017, satire is dead." Satire has been called obsolete in the past,...

Success of women’s sports teams coincides with an increase in cases of erectile dysfunction,...

The NHS is struggling to keep up with the increase in male erectile dysfunction which appears to coincide with the success of female sporting teams on the national and international stage.  "Sometimes it's hard," says...

Homeopaths proposal for huge protest march against NHS cuts watered down

Homeopaths planning a protest march against NHS cuts have begun watering down their plans. The United Kingdom’s largest association of diluted medicine, Et Aqua, initially announced plans for a ten million person show stopper march...
Woman in Car

Woman admits she was more than a little turned on by badly executed handbrake...

A Rochdale Woman has told the Herald how she found a man's poorly executed handbrake turn a huge turn on. Speaking exclusively to the Herald she said, "I was stood at the bus stop when I...

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