A Labrador has been slammed by fellow dogs for ‘conforming to archaic, patriarchal stereotypes’ after returning a ball thrown by its owner, it was confirmed today.
Onlooking mutts watched in horror as Sandy the golden lab, 5, relentlessly returned her ball during a hardcore game of fetch with tyrannical owner Ged Shaw. The shocking scene took place at Heaton Park, North Manchester and lead to a revolt amongst the canine community.
In an exclusive interview with the Herald, independent pooch and all round lazy shit, Doug the Pug, spokesdog for the militant (not to mention adorable) Canine autonomist group ‘You Don’t Own Us’ (YDOU) slammed Sandy’s desire to please her human despot.
‘Obedience is the tonic of our fascist oppressors. We don’t answer to a supposed ‘master’ and flagrant virtue signalling like this plays directly into the hands of our persecutors, who, for centuries, have made us cruelly ‘sit’ for their pleasure, forced us to exercise, and worst of all, occasionally bathed us against our will after we’d rolled round in fox shit.’
‘Flaunting of such antiquated attitudes as this only further inhibits our campaign to end canine slavery – my ancestors didn’t have to put up with this sh*t when we were the plaything of Chinese emperors.’ He complained, before turning to sniff his colleagues arse.
Doug’s owner.. sorry, Human Co-Existent Partner, Timid McMahon also confirmed he definitely sees his canine counterpart as his equal.
‘It’s true, we don’t enforce cross species stereotypes in our house, or use antiquated, offensive terms such as ‘pet’. I mean, it’s not 1997, come on. The closest he’s ever come to returning balls is when he self felates to allegedly ‘clean’ his enormous testicles.’
‘The right for humans to become more and more unbearably brattish has evolved organically over time, so there’s no reason why a dog can’t be lavished with eye-wateringly expensive tat which I then post about on social media for attention.’ he said, before returning to cooking Doug’s lobster bisque.
Sandy’s agent confirmed her client was unavailable for comment when approached for rebuttal, although reports confirmed the game of fetch was still ongoing at the time of going to press.