I caught up with Benedict Microbrewery over a shovelful of breakfast at Craft in the Croft, a pop-up restaurant in this week’s trendy London postcode. “Call me Microbe,” he said softly, sipping his green juice from an old jam jar. “That’s my Street name.”
OK, Microbe, explain how you earned your medal.
“My partner, Honeydew, was having an awful time squeezing little Clytemnestra out. It reminded me of a time I had ferocious constipation and needed half an hour to curl one out.” He spread a little ketchup on his sausage.
“I couldn’t sit down for over ten minutes without discomfort. I wrote about my revelation in Time Up magazine, and they gave me the medal. Of course, the high fibre diet has now sorted the constipation.”
I notice that you carry a guitar, I remarked.
“Yes, I’m a serious musician,” he said eagerly, his man-bun bobbing in an animated fashion.
“I belong to a fathers’ collective called Men2Dadz. I wrote a song about new fatherhood and we went to record it at a proper studio yesterday. It’s called I Love You Baby.”
Could you play me a bit? He stroked his man-groomed beard thoughtfully.
“Well, I’m more of a vocalist really. I couldn’t do it justice without the lads to provide harmonies and an interpretive dance routine.”
Men2Dadz fights for the rights of men to have a near-birth experience.
Microbe is planning to lead a session on breastfeeding.
He explains, “I have personally experienced the joy of bottle feeding. How hard can it be to breastfeed? Surely you just pop your nipple into the sprog’s gob, and Bob’s your uncle. I’m already writing a song on this very topic.”
With that, he finished his cauliflower, strapped the unplayed guitar to his back, and cycled off into London’s gold-paved streets in his beanie to explore the delights of meconium.