Have you recently felt the need to visit the newly opened Craft beer bar up the street?

Have you been annoyed at your local café for not knowing what a flat white was?

Or maybe you’re craving the need to purchase a pair of pastel Doc Martens.

If you’ve suffered from any of these symptoms, then chances are you’re showing early signs of Hipsteritis. The less commonly known word for being a bit of an egotistical tit.

Fortunately, help is at hand in the form of a selfie App created by ‘Dissentient’. It’s co-founder, Lee Vise, took us through what it can do in today’s morally bankrupt and culturally void society:

“Instatwat uses advanced photographic technology. It adds facial features using Artificial Intelligence to the increasingly gimpish incumbent to see how far they can go, until switched off, or moved away from the smug wannabe tit. Scores are then rated and trended according to the level of hip reached.

“One of the main features is a man bun, that appears directly on the top of the head and is available in multiple colours and a 79p additional fee will unlock the beard builder.”

Instatwat’s Lead Developer, Bert Nurney confessed it was personal experience that inspired him to write the app.

“I was just walking into random Bistros and ordering anything that didn’t come on a plate.”
Said the self-confessed knob.

“It made me excited when the waiter showed up with my meal on a bum paddle and side order of fries in a miniature shopping trolley.”

I’ve even started storing my 501’s in the freezer as the advanced retail assistant in the shop told me to.”

Sources close to the Rochdale Herald have advised that there is currently no known cure, other than giving your head a bloody good wobble and asking other people to tell you to stop being such a huge cock.