Following alleged intense research on the part of our Ace reporter, The Rochdale Herald is able to reveal the latest acadamic theory surrounding the construction of Gregorian Calendar.
Professor Archimest Binge, of the Rochdale University, outlined what is thought to have been the process behind the calendar, which was adopted worldwide in 1582 and in Rochdale in 1966.
“I think it’s easiest for the layman to follow if we present the theory in a narrative form”, said the professor, “So if one was to imagine oneself a fly on the wall at the planning meeting, I would submit that it went something like this…”
It’s the first annual meeting of the Gregorian calendar. Gregory is chairing the meeting (obviously) and around the table sit the months of the year. (You can envisage these as you like; I’ve gone with ordinary blokes with their particular month emblazoned on their T-shirts.
You can imagine them as anything, perhaps as a single sheet of paper or a gas, hey, you decide. Back the fuck off. Jeez. So, here goes.
Gregory. “So, gentlemen and ladies, thank you for coming to our inaugural annual calendar meeting. I’m glad you all remembered the date, ha ha (uncomfortable silence).
Let me start by saying you have done a brilliant job, and for that, I would like to thank you. However, there are a few problems which we have to iron out.
When I first devised the calendar I gave you all 31 days each. With hindsight this is not going to work; in about a hundred years we will be having Christmas in summer like Australians, and nobody wants to be like Australians, so I’ve decided to shorten the year by eight days. Now, are any of you kind enough to be willing to step forward and donate a day off their month?”
Gregory. “OK then I will have to do this myself. Right then December, you are safe”
(General Harrumphing noises).
February. “Why him?”
Gregory. “Because Christmas, duhhh.”
Gregory. “January, you are safe”
February. “What the fuck, he’s colder than me”
Gregory. “It’s my wife’s birthday, and because of your insolence and swearing you lose an extra day.
“April and June, you lose a day each”
April and June. “Sexist”
Gregory. “I cant be a sexist because I’m keeping May as 31 for positive discrimination, so there.
“Right, July, August, you are all safe because you are nice and warm.”
Gregory. “Right, that’s another day lost February, keep going and I will share all your days out.
OK so, September and November, let’s face it, no one likes you, it’s better for everyone that you lose a day each, OK?”
September and November. “OK”.
February. “March is a prick, take one off him.”
Gregory. “Right that’s it, I’ve had enough of you, you lose another day.
March and October you are both safe. February, you are on 28 days, you cheeky little fucker.
About a week later February apologises to Gregory and he lets him have another day back but only one every four years, just to be an awkward twat.
And that’s the true story of how we got our calendars.