Salt and Vinegar crisps

A word in your ear Mr Lineker

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I have a suggestion for Gary Lineker Maybe you should stop selling Salt & Vinegar If your boss still works with the devil Then tell them to start using Gary Neville If those twats don't like your tweets Then...

Wank Bank to close with loss of 1,200 Hand Jobs – Bosses Blame 4G...

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The Wank Bank, formally Britain's premier repository of one-handed images, has announced that it will shut its doors after over 100 years of trading. Founded in Rochdale in 1880 as the Rochdale Mutual Society, it originally...

Satirists run out of ink

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Thousands of satirists across the UK and their tens of readers around the world face a crisis as the supplies of ink slowed to dribble today. Analysts blame the shortage on an abnormally high...

Judgemental twat who starts every opinion with ‘I’m not being funny, but’ definitely is...

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A man who enjoys character assassinating every person he encounters and then tries to excuse himself of any malice by saying 'I'm not being funny, but...' is definitely being funny, it has been confirmed. Friends...

Rochdale woman in Waitrose platitude tragedy

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A Rochdale woman was left devastated today after discovering that she will now be looking after her neighbour's children for the next three Sunday mornings in a row. Sharon Smith from the Falinge area of...

Labrador accused of virtue signaling by other dogs for returning thrown ball

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A Labrador has been slammed by fellow dogs for 'conforming to archaic, patriarchal stereotypes' after returning a ball thrown by its owner, it was confirmed today. Onlooking mutts watched in horror as Sandy the golden...

Homeopaths proposal for huge protest march against NHS cuts watered down

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Homeopaths planning a protest march against NHS cuts have begun watering down their plans. The United Kingdom’s largest association of diluted medicine, Et Aqua, initially announced plans for a ten million person show stopper march...
Plain wooden coffin

Rochdale man takes own life after using the word “Stat”

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Local person and Rochdale Herald editor Quentin D.Fortesque has today ended the sad experiment that was his life, after an ill-advised use of the word "stat" to colleagues. Fortesque, of unknown age, was holding an...

Selfie App spots early signs of Hipster

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Have you recently felt the need to visit the newly opened Craft beer bar up the street? Have you been annoyed at your local café for not knowing what a flat white was? Or maybe you’re...

Unfortunately, Jimmy Carr survives breakthrough surgery

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With great regret, surgeons at Kings College London have released a statement confirming the successful operation to remove a rogue dog toy squeaker that had been mysteriously lodged in Jimmy Carr's windpipe for years. One...

Homeopaths to protest NHS cut with one person million man march

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Homeopaths are to warn Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt that he faces severe blowback from them if he does not reverse the cut to homeopathic therapies on the NHS. Mrs Lorem Minima, a homeopath who has...
Calendar

Latest theory on the structure of the Gregorian calendar revealed.

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Following alleged intense research on the part of our Ace reporter, The Rochdale Herald is able to reveal the latest acadamic theory surrounding the construction of Gregorian Calendar. Professor Archimest Binge, of the Rochdale University,...

New father awarded medal for empathy by comparing childbirth to having a tricky poo

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"My partner, Honeydew, was having an awful time squeezing little Clytemnestra out. It reminded me of a time I had ferocious constipation and needed half an hour to curl one out." He spread a little ketchup on his sausage.
Rees Mogg

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be put out to stud

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Jacob Rees-Mogg MP is reported to be in the process of choosing a nice green field near to his family home at Wentworth Woodhouse where he will father the next generation of conservative voters...
Dunkirk Queue

Queue for pedalos during Dunkirk evacuation shorter than Benidorm immigration control confirm veterans

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Eyewitness accounts given by proper British holidaymakers desperate to return to the UK reveal that queues for pedalos during the Dunkirk evacuation were shorter than the immigration queues currently being suffered at Benidorm immigration...

Mark Francois – Gammon Messiah: A Parliamentary Sketch

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An hour of hilarity last night made the last three years of purgatory almost worth it. The efforts by the hardest, crustiest elements of the gammon, the very crackling of Parliament, to dissuade the speaker...

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