Local person and Rochdale Herald editor Quentin D.Fortesque has today ended the sad experiment that was his life, after an ill-advised use of the word “stat” to colleagues.
Fortesque, of unknown age, was holding an editorial meeting when the word came out as a form of direction to staff writers.
Writer Felpersham Dogbolter takes up the story; “He was foaming at the mouth, drinking heavily, triple cunting and doing his best Paul Dacre impression as per usual. When suddenly he cried out ‘I need this written, Stat!” To be honest I’d forgotten the word even existed after ER finished it’s run. And this outburst just bought the bad memories of the 90’s flooding back. Anyway, he’s dead now and we just need to get on with our lives.”
This reporter was sadly not at the meeting, as there were important lines being done in the sub editors lounge. Or toilet as it’s otherwise known. But I was able to witness the aftermath of projectile vomiting, and people trying to rip the skin from their ears in case he said it again.
The editor’s secretary Janice had to be airlifted to hospital. She was taking notes at the meeting and actually wrote the word down before she could stop herself. She ran out screaming “What have I done! Think of the children!” before chopping her writing fingers off with a guillotine.
Fortesque himself apparently very calmly poured a large glass of GlenMiller scotch. Lit a very fat Cuban on fire, before asking for a cigar. Then set a collating program on the photocopier before feeding himself into it, arse first.