Episode 1 – Pathetic Presidents. The Terrible Trumps.
Welcome to the News at When. When? The 21st century, when one of America’s presidents was a 9-year-old boy, Donald Trump. With more details, here’s Michael Fish with the Trump Report:
“Thank you Uncle Sam. Well, I’ve got the Terrible Trumps for you – it’s going to be windy!
“It’s 2016 AD and we’re over here in Ancient America, where a lickle 9-year-old boy has discovered a magical suit that allows him to impersonate an over-privileged fat old white dude. The little boy enters the suit by lifting the ridiculous hair piece on the top, and sliding right in. It completely covers all of his little body, except for his tiny little hands.
The magical suit, it turns out, was skin which had been shed by the Ancient American mythical God of Snake Oil: Bannon-Ra. This mythical snake was represented in contemporary images as circular, with it’s tail end held in it’s mouth. It’s difficult to bend your body into a circle when you’re that fat, but he sure can manage it!
Bannon-Ra promised the little boy the power to rule Ancient America, just so long as he maintained a fulsome disregard for anyone not sharing his privilege. To do this, the little boy initially tried making things bad for the Ancient Americans.
His promises to remove access to healthcare provoked the ancient gods, who sent a plague of frogs to stop him. But such was the power of the suit, the frogs just ended up supporting his presidency, and they got the little boy elected.
Then, mid-way through 2017, the gods sent a powerful warrior: Scaramucci. Charged with magical powders, he warned the Ancient Americans about Bannon-Ra’s influence. But the little boy just sacked him. Actually, he sacked a lot of people. But then, he was only a little boy.
This distracted the Ancient Americans, giving them material for a series of weak jokes about a popular beat combo from the previous epoch, and whilst they were in rhapsody, well, that’s how the first global nuclear war started. More on that next week. Back to you Sam.
Our thanks to Horrible Histories for (hopefully) not suing us for using their IP to raise money for charity (eek!) and to their man @Greg_Jenner for the idea.