Fast Train

Petition to slow trains to Birmingham to walking pace hits 70 million signatures

A petition to slow down trains headed to Birmingham from London has hit almost 70 million signatures in under two hours today. “Why on Earth would anybody want to get to Birmingham more quickly?” asked...

Ryanair to charge depressed passengers for emotional baggage

Ryanair have today announced that they will start charging depressed passengers for bringing emotional baggage with them onto their flights. The budget airline has said many customers will no longer be able to bring their...

Bus driver not a bastard

Commuters in Ormskirk were shocked today when a bus driver actually waited at a bus stop to allow a late arriving passenger to sprint down the road and catch her bus. Passengers already seated...
Range Rover

It’s the will of the people – Jaguar Land Rover tells redundant employees

Jaguar Land Rover has told employees that by making them redundant they are carrying out the will of the British people. Employee Bill Board told us, "It came as a shock at first and I...
London Underground Train

TFL confirms London Underground to be extended to Scotland by 2021

London's continued plans to absorb the entirety of Great Britain into the never ending tentacles of its grotesque boundaries were handed a huge boost today. Transport For London excitedly announced news of a deal...

Thomas the Tank Engine Outrage at Sodexit delay

The normally chipper blue tank engine Thomas has turned to social media to express his outrage at perceived delays in the Island of Sodor exiting the EU. “It’s an outrage said the outraged Engine we...

Daily Mail reveal United Airlines assault victim once had an overdue library book

It has been revealed today that Dr David Dao, the passenger on a United Airlines flight who was beaten for sitting in a seat he paid for, once returned a library book a month...

Ryanair cancel 18,000 flights following huge increase in customer satisfaction

Ryanair have announced the cancellation of 18,000 flights. The cancellations affect 40,000 people with many Rochdale residents hopeful they'll be affected. A spokesman for Ryanair said, "Sure, we thought cancelling loads of flights would have...

Theresa May fails fascist dictator litmus test after not getting trains to run on...

For the second time this week seasonally predictable temperatures have ground the railways to a virtual halt across the south and south-east of England. Ipswich-based commuters were offered free bottles of Ben Gummer's tears...

New bay platform at Rochdale station opens

Great news for Rochdalians! As of October there are now 4- count em! 4- platforms at the beautiful train station! The new platform - actually a half platform half bay thing: a bayform or a platay?...
Southern Rail

Not getting to work with Southern Rail now 30% cheaper for 27 year olds

26 to 30 year old commuters were said to be jubilant today after Philip Hammond announced that from April 2018 it will be 30% to not get to work with Southern Rail. Philip Hammond told...

Southern Rail passengers treated for nausea after train unexpectedly moves

Reports from south London this afternoon state there was a dramatic and disturbing experience for dozens of Southern passengers when their train actually moved. The incident has been described by rail transport experts as unprecedented...
London Underground Train

Panicked London train commuters force open doors and flee onto tracks after friendly northerner...

London commuters forced open the doors of a packed rush hour tube train yesterday bringing the train to a complete standstill and causing power to the tracks to be cut off. Witnesses caught up...
Kings Cross Commuters

Railway commuters told to save money by becoming drug addicts and losing their jobs

Railway commuters have been told that it will now cost at least one internal organ for them to travel to work this year. Costs are said to be so high many would be better...

May Day, May Day, we’re going down, Conservatives nose dive in the polls.

The conservative party proverbial plane has today fallen into a nose drive, falling by 10points in the polls over the weekend. The party's 3 top press correspondence officers have grabbed the emergency parachutes and have bailed out,...

Sean Spicer to be the reassuring new voice of Southern Rail

It was reported this morning that Southern Rail are headhunting Sean Spicer to be the new, reassuring voice of the beleaguered train service. It's thought that managing the press relations with the travelling public in...

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