Ryanair have today announced that they will start charging depressed passengers for bringing emotional baggage with them onto their flights.
The budget airline has said many customers will no longer be able to bring their petty, little, whining s*** into the cabin for free. For emotional issues, Ryanair is charging between £35 to £25; to encourage customers to cheer the hell up.
Michael O’Leary said the airline are making the changes after realising that everything in 2017 is so depressing, that he wanted to find a way to cash in on it.
Chantelle and Keiron Whiteman from Rochdale believe this will affect their upcoming travel plans to Ibiza. Chantelle, 27, a cashier at Iceland said “I just know that Keiron will have slept with some perma-tanned slag from Bury, called Kellie. It’s also likely I’ll have sucked Juan the waiter off on the last night. It’s going to be an intense and depressing emotional roller-coaster, and it’s going to cost us a bomb to get home!”
Keiron, 29, a part time plumber, went on to say, “It’s like discrimination or somet, yeah? We all know that women are mental, so they’re going to get charged more than men to get on the plane.” He went to laugh at his own joke of “God knows how much money they’ll make when it’s that time of the month.”
Ryan air have confirmed that all staff will carry a portable frown-o-meter, and have a psychiatrist at all check in points. Passengers who do not pass the test will be asked to pay up on the spot or be forced to spend an evening with Michael O’Leary in an airport Whetherspoons.
How much will I pay for baggage?
Here at the Rochdale Herald, we have compiled a handy table for you.
The table shows the range of fees for bringing emotional baggage with other airlines.
The cost depends on the type of baggage you bring, any pre-existing depression before realising you were flying budget, how cheap your ticket was, as well just how miserable you are.
Additional costs are being considered for other emotional baggage for recent divorcees, those grieving and those still upset at the referendum vote.
The charges compared to Ryanair include:
easyJet – charges between £13 and £30 for addressing you by the titles Sir or Madam with a smile, and making eye contact.
Wizz Air – charges between 16 and 55 euros for not insulting you and your obnoxious children, or point out your clearly ridiculous prejudices
Lufthansa – various charges ranging from £7 to £50 for not spitting in your face every time you mention the war.
British Airways – fees can range from £20 to £60 for not losing your luggage and sexually assaulting you.
Allegedly Ryanair carried nearly 13 million customers in August, and makes money by filling its planes with morons thinking the airport they’re going to is within 50 miles of their actual destination.