London commuters forced open the doors of a packed rush hour tube train yesterday bringing the train to a complete standstill and causing power to the tracks to be cut off. Witnesses caught up in the incident have described the events as “total pandemonium.”

The panic started when the silence in the standing room only cattle car was broken by the sound of a bloke from Rochdale with a Lidl carrier bag trying to talk about the weather with a terrified bloke in a navy blue suit.

“I distinctly heard him talking about how warm it was in the carriage and how it had been drizzling in Rochdale when he left home but it was nice that the sun was out in London.” One passenger told The Rochdale Herald. “I tried not to listen but then he started showing people photos of his dog on his iPhone.”

That’s when the panic started to set in and people started crushing towards the doors and smashing the windows in the carriages.”

Trains on the Northern Line between Goodge Street and Leicester Square were delayed for many hours. Nobody was injured in the stampede through the tunnels in what transport police are describing as a “self-evacuation.”

Running for their lives wasn’t the only option available to commuters who didn’t want to hear about rescued greyhounds and trips to Blackpool Pleasure Beach. A passenger from Milwall finally stepped in and told the bloke to “stop being a tosser because he was scaring the locals” and “the guy stopped, looked a bit dejected and looked at the floor muttering about southern wankers.”

Surveys have shown that London commuters are amongst the most miserable, grumpy bastards in the whole world.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.