British Airways CEO Alex Cruising has spoken at his joy over the airline being awarded the shambolic Southern Rail Service.

“We can do this.” He beamed in front of reporters. “We can really utilise the vast experience of Southern Rail passengers to our mutual personal growth.”

The experience he is especially encouraged by is the ability of rail passengers to wait forever for a service that should have departed an interminable amount of time ago, with no hope of rescue in sight.

“Just a few seconds of downed computer time at British Airways resulted in forty eight hours of personal growth for our customers. Imagine what we can bring to Southern?”

The change in ownership is expected to begin immediately.

“Just as soon as I’ve turned my pc off and on again.” Mr Cruising confirmed.