The leader of a country full of hungry and homeless children has pledged to deploy all possible resources to shortening commuting times between Leeds and Manchester by 15 minutes. 

“Reducing the time it takes to travel between Leeds and Manchester by about half an episode of Coronation Street will bring colossal benefits to the UK.” A spokesman for Boris Johnson told The Rochdale Herald.

“We’ll be able to both widen AND deepen the gulf between wealthy and deprived towns in the North.”

“If you’re say, a partner at an accountancy firm in Manchester but want to live in Leeds you’ll soon be able to leave your office at 5.30pm and get home in time to watch Hollyoaks at 6.30pm on Channel 4 rather than having to watch it on Channel 4+1 at 7.30pm.”

“There are loads of other really important benefits too but I just can’t think what they might be right now.”

A spokesman for the UK’s 120,000 homeless children was too hungry to give us a comment.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.