In a surprising u-turn, The Daily Mail has reported that travelling on Virgin trains cures cancer.

The report comes a week after it was reported by The Rochdale Herald that the Daily Mail was reporting that travelling on Virgin trains caused cancer.

Mail spokesman, Biff Wellington said, “It turns out that lady who had arse cancer didn’t have cancer at all. She neglected to tell us she was receiving treatment for constipation. It turns out the treatment for this is taken up the old back door.

“Unfortunately, she didn’t understand the usage instructions and neglected to remove the foil from the suppositories before taking them. What the doctor thought was arse cancer was, in fact, a load of wrappers stuck up her poop shoot.”

The Mail also claims that it has evidence that travelling on Virgin trains could prove better than statins.

Mail reader, Bill Board said, “I’ve always said I owe my longevity to Virgin trains. I was 98 last week and I’ve travelled on Virgin trains for 20 years. At 77 I had a heart attack. The doctor told me I had high cholesterol. Virgin trains have helped me because their tickets are so expensive I can’t afford to eat. My cholesterol has never been lower.”

The Mail also intend to publish findings that suggest that people who travel on Virgin trains feel more optimistic than any day since Princess Diana died.

Perhaps the most astounding claim is that a man who had died on the platform at Wigan Bank Quay came back to life as the Glasgow bound service from Euston pulled into the station.

No wonder Richard Branson fancies taking over the NHS.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.