26 to 30 year old commuters were said to be jubilant today after Philip Hammond announced that from April 2018 it will be 30% to not get to work with Southern Rail.

Philip Hammond told Parliament: “I can announce a new railcard for those aged 26-30 that will knock a third off the price of not travelling on a Southern Rail train.”

The 26-30 railcard will offer a 34% discount to commuters who are prepared to try to travel to work before 4.30am or after 10am Monday to Friday.

“I’m going to save so much money commuting into London.” Steve (Stevo) Stevenson, a pre-pubescent 30 year old social media facilitator who lives with his Mum in Sutton, told The Rochdale Herald.

“I’ve been spending about £5,000 a year on not getting to work either on time or at all with Southern Rail for the last two years. Paying full price to stand on a railway platform with no idea whether a train is going to show up or not seems unreasonable. But 30% off! Bargain!”

“If I set out at 4am to get to work there’s at least a 20% chance that Southern Rail won’t have cancelled the train so I might get to work.”

“With the new rail card I’ll save £1,700 year! If I put that aside I should be able to get a house deposit together by the time I’m 47, I can’t wait to tell Mum.”

Stevo was a little disappointed to learn that only 10,000 of these rail cards are being issued in the new year, passengers eligible for the discount will outnumber the rail card 225 to 1.

Good luck getting one Stevo.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.