Following recent criticism from the rail regulator, Train operating companies (TOCs) are to make it easier for travellers to decide which has the worst service. 

Public perception has been guided to the false assumption that some TOCs are actually quite good and that only handful are bad. Rather than the reality which is that some are merely money grabbing bastards, while a handful are shit covered cattle transporters. 

A raft of proposals are on the table to make the decision easier.  Most popular with wealthy directors is replacing ticket machines with one armed bandits. Everyone will pay a flat fee to play, half a month’s salary for example, with prizes to include:

  • An actual seat on your preferred train
  • An actual seat not near a blocked toilet
  • Guaranteed arrival on the day of travel

Some companies have decided to woo customers with huge fare savings if they are willing to do things like help propel the train via exercise bikes hooked up to the wheels, punch the noisy youth playing loud music, fan first class passengers during hot weather, or be strapped to the front with a large broom during autumn. 

A TOC spokesman told the Herald;

“We’ve tried many things over the years to be transparently bad, but somehow Southern Rail has beaten us all, merely by existing. They set the very benchmark of shite yet highly profitable service. If only we could innovate at ineptitude like that.”