For the second time this week seasonally predictable temperatures have ground the railways to a virtual halt across the south and south-east of England. Ipswich-based commuters were offered free bottles of Ben Gummer’s tears with which to stave off heat prostration whilst locked into the airless cattle cars that pass for carriages.

“Everyone knows that, for all his faults, at least Mussolini made the trains run on time,” said disgruntled Essex commuter Billy Bellend.

“Are you sure?” asked his companion, Sammy Twaddle. “I thought it was that ‘Itler bloke.”

“Either way,” opined Billy. “The point is that we need a proper dictator in Engaland to get this stuff right. I know Treeza May wants to give us the smack of firm government, but she obviously hasn’t got what it takes.”

“Too right,” agreed Sammy. “I don’t have much use for human rights, so getting rid of those is right on the money.”

“Sound as a pound,” interjected Billy, without any sense of irony.

“Yes,” continued Sammy. “But she hasn’t taken these train companies by the throat and threatened them with dire consequences if I’m late for my job at Sports Direct, has she?”

“I mean, I’m a vital cog in the plan for economic growth, I am,” he continued. “If I’m not there to man the tills, how will people get their trackies and trainers?”

“From the Internet?” replied Billy.

Shortly thereafter a scuffle broke out and the police were called to break it up.

The caller is still on hold, awaiting a response.