The news from TFL that taxi firm Uber will lose its licence to operate in London has devastated residents of the city’s popular western boroughs.

As a petition to overturn the decision moves past 400,000 signatories the shock wave is still being felt by residents of West London.

“How am I supposed to get my produce home from the farmers market?” asked Denise Duphite of Ealing. “I spend a fortune on chicken that’s been hand fed organic corn with a silver spoon whilst listening to Mozart and pork from pigs who’ve been massaged daily with olive oil by Philippino virgins on a commune in Hertfordshire. Am I really supposed to ring for a minicab and talk to some pleb? Or stick my hand out like a, I don’t know, hitchhiker? Good lord no. I have an app so I don’t have to interact with those people. Now what am I to do, these strings of organically grown, ethnically sourced onions from the home farm on the Windsor estate aren’t going to ubes themselves home are they? Nor do I have room in the wicker basket of my traditional post office bicycle for an adequate repast, not when I’m hosting. I don’t want to have to go back to shopping at Waitrose because, well, it’s rather common. At least they deliver so I won’t have to expose little Hermione to the whole supermarket experience I suppose.”

Not everybody is disappointed however. Andy Fischerntschippz of Andy’s Fish & Chips in Shepherds Bush told us “London cabs are part of our history. They’ve been around for literally hundreds of years. They’ve already done away with red phone boxes and hangings, we can’t let these Ubers see off our hard working cabbies too. My mate Costas is a cabbie and he’s really been feeling the pinch lately. He’s lost a lot of weight which admittedly helps with the gout and the swollen ankles but even so, it’s not right.”

A Sky news poll suggests that half the country are against the move so there may well be further questions as to whether to oust Uber under.

Over and out.


Thomas Thomas is Sub-Editor for The Rochdale Herald. Thomas is proud to support such causes as "Cornwall for Jam First" and "Drop Scones Not Bombs". His personal motto is "Fuck it, why not?"