Man that failed GCSE Science now an expert in pediatrics

A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he's an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a...

Hospital waiting times longest ever as people queue to abuse Boris Johnson

"Waiting times for the NHS in England are the longest ever and it's because people are waiting so they can abuse Boris Johnson." Rochdale resident Stan Still told us, "I wanted the opportunity to see...

Doctors desperately hoping Rees Mogg falls ill

Following Jacob Rees-Mogg's bullying tirade on a doctor who dared challenge his smug assertions on talk radio, many people have challenged the pusillanimous human cockroach to repeat his comments outside the house where he...
Couple with dog

Season your pets before leaving them in a hot car

do With temperatures hitting 30°C across the nation, dog owners have been warned to pay special attention to their four legged friends. Each year the RSPCA recieves dozens of complaints of animals locked in hot cars,...

Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after blade, after blade, the company has...

World hunger solved after Jeremy Corbyn urinates on field

World hunger has been declared over after Jeremy Corbyn urinated on a field just outside Rochdale. One aide told us, "Jeremy was returning from one of his meet and greets with local activists. He'd had...

Thousands of Leave voters dead after do not drink labels removed from bottles of...

Several hundred thousand leave voters have died from drinking bleach in the last few days after labels, required under EU health and safety rules, saying not to drink the stuff were removed by manufacturers. "Clearly...

‘Childhood vaccines prolonged my agonising march towards death’ claims nihilist.

A local nihilist has started a campaign against vaccinations, arguing that they force children to endure the pain and sadness of their futile existence. Stephen Bowers, 19, has been handing out leaflets around Rochdale in...

Living in Italy and eating really nice food might cure depression, confirms Institute of...

The institute for the blindingly obvious has today proclaimed that living in Italy and eating nice food may help depression. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, "The researchers looked at 2 groups of...

World Health Organisation on standby as UK confirms youngest ever case of man-flu

Officials at the World Health Organisation have raised the threat level of a global pandemic to full alert.
Tour de France

Asthma Society public awareness campaign kicks off with three-week cycling Tour of France

Saturday sees the start of The Asthma Society's global awareness campaign. 176 chronic asthma sufferers will cycle 2,082 miles of the roughest French terrain to raise awareness of the effects of this crippling lung...

Scottish man DIES after drinking a glass of WATER

The first fatality caused by the price increase on alcohol in Scotland was announced this morning. Ian McCreedy aged 42 died at his local hospital in Dundee yesterday afternoon after drinking a WHOLE glass...

NHS increase Homeopathy budget by 0.0000001%

Campaigners are thrilled after their campaign to reverse a decision by NHS bosses to no longer prescribe homeopathy on the NHS. After winning the right to a judicial review the British Homeopathic Association is thrilled...

Man receives bravery award for going into work with Cold

A Rochdale man was praised for his bravery and selfless act of dedication this morning after he heroically battled through the worst cold he has ever had to show up for a meeting for...

Scientists confounded after man who left coat on still felt the benefit

Scientists around the globe are reeling this afternoon after a Rochdale man who didn’t take his coat off this morning still felt the benefit of wearing a coat when he went outside for a cigarette this afternoon.

Mordor agrees below inflation pay rise for Hobbits

Over a million Hobbits across The Shire including front line ring bearers and turnip farmers are expected to receive 6% pay increases, the Rochdale Herald has been told.

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