Officials at the World Health Organisation have raised the threat level of a global pandemic to full alert.

The announcement follows the news that a one year old boy in Rochdale has been diagnosed with the deadliest strain of flu known to mankind.

The deadly disease that affects precisely half the population is thought to be more contagious than Ebola and probably feels worse, according to men.

A spokesman for Rochdale NHS told The Rochdale Herald “at first we thought it was just a mild case of the sniffles and sent the boy and his father home with some Calpol.”

“It became clear that this was something more serious when the boy apparently whinged for no apparent reason for three days straight.”

“We admitted him when it became clear he was coughing purely for dramatic effect and a bit of sympathy.”

“He has now been quarantined and is responding well to a course of Peppa Pig and a bit of Lucozade.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.