The first fatality caused by the price increase on alcohol in Scotland was announced this morning.

Ian McCreedy aged 42 died at his local hospital in Dundee yesterday afternoon after drinking a WHOLE glass of water.

A hospital spokesperson said “Mr McCreedy was admitted to our hospital yesterday morning after DRIVING HIMSELF THERE and was complaining of pains in the kidneys.

A few hours later he was dead. It is the first case of “Water Poisoning” we have witnessed in Scotland. His kidneys just couldn’t handle that much purity. However, I predict, it won’t be the last case”.

The Scottish Assembly have issued warnings to the public to introduce water gradually into their diet.

A spokesman told us “It’s best just to add a few drops to whiskey to start, then after a month or two try adding some water to your 35% cider. We are expecting our first “Water Dependant Scot” by the year 2075.

Mr McCreedy’s funeral will take place a week next Friday. Black Tie. No water.