National News

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby has today explained that The Church of England doesn't actually have shares in Amazon as Yodel has never delivered them. Welby said, "The accusations that the Church of England has...

A new version of 'Do they Know is Christmas?' has been released in time for the Christmas number one top spot. The track by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure is the latest of many releases...

Economic experts are forecasting that Christmas 2017 will see a double digit percentage increase in cost to the average family, based on a basket of seasonal goods. Levels of fraughtness are expected to peak at...

Speaking at the Nato summit in Warsaw this week, David Cameron has hinted that almost £16bn ear-marked for the renewal of the Trident nuclear weapons system may be redirected to Niantic, the company behind...

Weary Rochdale let out yet another groan of despair after yet more revelations of the serial text pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk's sex life hit the papers again. This time it's a 22 year...

There were angry scenes in the first class carriage of the 9:15 to Birmingham today after a Rochdale Herald editor was served tea in a paper cup. "I get that it's not the Orient fucking...

Property botherer and dreadful chef Martin Roberts has demanded a recount following his failure to be elected President of the Jungle in this year's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here'. Roberts, the celebrity...

The BBC and ITV have both announced this week that they intend reviving certain 'classic' 70's sitcoms because of the current fashion for being a racist bigot. Hilary Patel-Cohen, a BBC spokesgender said, "There's a...

Sources close to the MEP, would be ambassador and professional Admiral Ackbar lookalike Nigel Farage, say he is close to moving the the USA. Apparently Nigel feels disappointed that in the wake of the Brexit...

A new advertising campaign for Carling beer will allegedly feature Wayne Rooney trying to remember driving home. The campaign has come in for criticism from an advertising agency who wanted to use Rooney to advertise...

The European Union, desperate for the UK to remain, have said that the proposed European Standard Weather system due to come into operation early next year, could be extended to the UK - but...

The Duke of Edinburgh’s retirement is entirely down to one thing, it would seem. Speculation has been rife ever since the announcement, but now it turns out it’s all about hats. Despite being the...

In an unprecedented move, UKIP leader and shampoo user of the year 2008, Paul Nuttall, has finally come clean about his much debated past. "Now that my position is looking shaky and that Nigel is...

A cargo plane has touched down in Barbuda, carrying the first consignment of thoughts and prayers from the people of Britain. The jet touched down at midday local time, amid scenes chaos and devastation brought...

Anthropologists working at the University of Bath today released a study which they claim demonstrates that the human race appears to be separating into two distinct species. They also point out that, for one of...