Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby has today explained that The Church of England doesn’t actually have shares in Amazon as Yodel has never delivered them.

Welby said, “The accusations that the Church of England has these shares are entirely preposterous. We looked into becoming shareholders at the most recent synod. The Verger of Ely Cathedral has a Prime account so we got her to order them. But they never arrived.”

Welby then went on to detail what had happened, “I received a note through the door saying I wasn’t in when they called to deliver the shares. This was wrong so I re-arranged delivery for the next day. Despite being in all day they knocked whilst I was in the bathroom. I phoned again and arranged for another delivery, this time to my place of work. Again, this didn’t work as they were unable to find Canterbury Cathedral despite it being prominent. They told me they had returned it to their depot in Glasgow.”

Welby went on to detail his trip to Glasgow to pick his shares up, “I left with my friend Barnabus. WE bought a Mega Bus ticket each and 72 hours later we were in Glasgow. Along the way I passed many people I have preached to over the years. Once we found the depot I was directed to a room with some parcels on it. The manager came and talked to me, closed the door and left me in the rooms for ages. After a while he came back and asked by I wasn’t working. I told him that I was the Archbishop of Canterbury and I’d come to collect my Amazon shares. He denied he knew I was so I showed him my Staff. He agreed I was who I said I was but told me that they had lost my shares and they would never be found. I left after placing a complaint with them.”

 

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.