National News

A Rochdale Dad has broken protocol by announcing that he has begun thinking about thinking about starting his Christmas shopping with more than a week to go till Christmas. Parenting authorities were called to an...

A teenager has told us how he believes he's bought his girlfriend the perfect Christmas gift. 16 year old Nathan Brindley has been seeing Emma Featherstone since April this year. He told us, "I read...

A woman sitting on the roof of a runaway train full of burning horseshit has said she is "proving the doubters wrong" after not crashing yet. The train, which is mostly full of burning manure...

The Rochdale Herald has learned that the Football Association have taken the unprecedented step of cancelling the 2018 FA Cup final. The move comes after it was revealed that Prince Harry's wedding will be on...

According to widespread reports somebody on Instagram has only gone and poached an egg.  Rumours are spreading that the egg poacher may have in fact poached two concurrently and placed them artistically on some wilted...

A first year student at the University of Bristol is said to be very excited about getting home for Christmas so she can tell her pony all about Marxism. Tabitha van Beckwithshaw from Harrogate, a...

As weather experts issue yet another ice warning the people of the North West have told The Rochdale Herald that they actually don't give a shit. A yellow weather alert warning of icy conditions from...

Those remarkably eloquent phonetician's over at WANCOff (The Wordsmiths, Arithmeticians and Number Crunchers Office) have enjoyed the last few years of Conservative Government. Over this period there has been a huge upsurge in idiocy in...

Royal offspring are like the grown up children who return to the nest once they have completed their time in higher education. You think it's finally over but unlike the Geoff Hurst 1966 fourth...

Drivers and commuters are facing another difficult day of delays and difficult journeys across the UK after a second night of freezing temperatures.  The Met Office has extended yellow warnings for snow and ice until...

The future of the British monarchy, American Meghan Markle, has successfully negotiated her first official public engagement as she absolutely nailed walking slowly and waving at people. Crowds of people gathered out of morbid curiosity...

The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible day off work. As regular viewers of the Express & Star...

Britain prepares itself once again for total travel chaos and public service disruption, because of the completely predicable weather that is expected at this time of the year. Millions of people woke up this morning...

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for apocalyptic snow and ice overnight after a Northerner was overheard speculating that it might be an idea to get his big coat out of the...

Drivers all over the UK are wondering where the hell that one car with snow on it has come from. "Where on Earth has that car come from?" All the other drivers on the road...

Families up and down the country are in the slow process of watching their Christmas trees die after putting them up in their living rooms already. Psycopathic humans around the country are busily chopping down...