Families up and down the country are in the slow process of watching their Christmas trees die after putting them up in their living rooms already.

Psycopathic humans around the country are busily chopping down perfectly good trees in order to watch their corpses wilt and die covered in tinfoil in the corner of their living rooms.

“Seems reasonable enough to me.” Rochdale parent Noel Arbor told The Rochdale Herald. “Nothing says it’s Christmas like watching the slow death of an Earthling covered in twinkly lights.”

“It’s quite jolly really. It’s a shame we can’t hear it begging for us to end its suffering more quickly. That would be really festive.”

“We were going to get a plastic tree this year, but where’s the fun in that? You don’t get to watch bits fall off it. How are children supposed to learn the Christmas message if we don’t murder a baby tree in our living room?”