National News

Pub chain Wetherspoons is to re-brand as the Special Circle of Hell following an endorsement by EU President Donald Tusk. A spokesman for the company told us, "Donald Tusk said that there is a special...

Men around the world have confirmed that it's not Christmas until they have seen either a German terrorist or a half naked prostitute fall from the window of a sksyscraper. "It's a close run thing...

Regular visitors to Hampsted Heath have been informed all glory holes will be closed from tomorrow as a mark of respect to George Michael. A mass of floral tribute has already began to appear outside...

For many years the myth persisted that Lemmus lemmus, known to you and I as the lemming, would inexplicably hurl itself into the abyss during their annual migration. Or is it a myth? Researchers...

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group which is to European research what Andrew Wakefield is to...

A group of arsonists have spoken of their shock at discovering that a building they've spent a decade carefully trying to set fire to is now burning and may get out of control. One of...

Chris Grayling has revealed he's pregnant after he took the new Covid-19 antibody test.  A spokesman said, "It came as quite a surprise for Chris that he was pregnant. He wasn't even trying for a...

Lewis Hamilton has upset slums all over the world by comparing them to Stevenage. The five-time Formula 1 world champion made the faux pas while on stage losing the BBC Sports Personality of the Year...

London's last surviving affordable plumber has been killed by poachers in Clapham, according to a conservation group that protects a dwindling group of reliable tradesmen in London, estimated to be as few as 15. The...

Santa is to be denied entry to the UK under the new points based immigration system. A Home Office spokesman told us, "The system rewards people with skills that are needed in Britain. For...

The Met Office has issued an amber warning for apocalyptic snow and ice overnight after a Northerner was overheard speculating that it might be an idea to get his big coat out of the...

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have left hospital after increasing the burden on the taxpayer for a third time. The new prince, who was born at St Mary's Hospital, London, at 11:01, weighing 8lb...

The company that makes Babybel cheese has faced criticism from a right wing group over its "Baby Cheeses" advent calendar. The company had announced the launch of the advent calendar yesterday. It features a different...

Like most of the country, the Herald woke up this morning to the news of a catastrophic tower block fire in West London. This has been accompanied by multiple fatalities. It does not look...

Buckingham Palace has refused to confirm rumors that the Queen will greet Donald Trump with a narwhal tusk during his visit to the UK this week. A Palace insider told us, "You'd think there wouldn't...

The Government is warning that Coronavirus could be more deadly than Iain Duncan Smith. The warning comes as the number of cases in Britain doubled to 8. A spokesman said, "When discussing the deadliness of...