Pub chain Wetherspoons is to re-brand as the Special Circle of Hell following an endorsement by EU President Donald Tusk.
A spokesman for the company told us, “Donald Tusk said that there is a special circle of hell for Brexiters. We knew immediately he was talking about our chain of pubs. You’ve only got to come in here to see people supping on our new Brexit Centurion range at 08:00 to know that. And if you’re still not convinced you should order a microwave meal from us from our food menu. We stopped pretending we do anything approaching cooking it a few months ago.”
Customer, Bill Board, ex-graft (we’re not sure what that means either) told us, “I don’t remember voting for Donald Tusk so who’s he to say we should go to hell? WTO rules all the way. God Save the Queen.”
When it was pointed out to Bill that the Queen and members of the WTO aren’t elected either he shrugged and loudly soiled himself.
Elsewhere, Stan Still told us, “If hell is like this steak and ale pie then I’m all for it. Particularly if hell is heated up in a microwave for 10 minutes first.”
Barmaid Orla Board told us, “Tell me about it. I have to spend 12 hours a day working here. Most of the people here think studying the menu is a good read and the bloke that owns the place makes Wayne Rooney look like Stephen Hawking. The only reason I work here is so I can cut the Wetherspoons magazine up into loads of pieces and send them back to head office, piece by piece, without paying the postage.”