London’s last surviving affordable plumber has been killed by poachers in Clapham, according to a conservation group that protects a dwindling group of reliable tradesmen in London, estimated to be as few as 15.

The plumber, called Dave after his dad Dave the Plumber, was beloved by residents of Clapham, Balham and Streatham because he would always turn up on time and didn’t charge the earth to replace the washer in a leaky tap.

Dave’s death comes two days after a reliable plaster called Steve was killed by poachers on Clapham Common, the second to die in less than a month at the hands of poachers, according to the Yellow Pages.

The number of tradesmen in London who can be trusted not to lift your leg has fallen by about 95,000 to 15 over the past decade according to numbers from the International Society for the Conservation of Not Too Pricey Odd Job Men.

And the poaching shows no sign of slowing down with almost 5,000 tradesmen slaughtered for their entrails every year, mainly to satisfy demand in markets in Asia where the ground teeth of men who can hang a shelf or do some tiling are used as aphrodisiacs.

Graham Chapman, President of the International Society for the Conservation of Not Too Pricey Odd Job Men told The Herald.

“This particular plumber was particularly friendly and helpful; he’d occasionally not charge you a call out if it wasn’t a big job. And he was well known for taking his shoes off and for giving his mug a rinse out when he was done with his tea. He’ll be sorely missed.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.