A group of arsonists have spoken of their shock at discovering that a building they’ve spent a decade carefully trying to set fire to is now burning and may get out of control.

One of them told us, “When I first took a hatchet to the fabric of the building I knew what could happen. It would make the building more likely to burn. But now I’m realising that I might not be able to control it and it may burn my fingers. This wasn’t part of the plan.”

Another said, “I know I poured petrol on it and lit it but I only wanted to burn part of it down so I could get the insurance money and have that extension built. Now the whole thing might burn down. That wasn’t the plan.”

A third member told us, “Where are the Fire Brigade?”

A Fire Brigade spokesman told us, “The arsonists cut our funding. We’ll only be able to protect part of the building.”

One of the arsonists told us, “This shouldn’t happen to us. This isn’t Grenfell. We can get away with arson because we’re the arsonists. I know people that can help.”

It’s expected that the fire will continue to get worse before it gets better.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.