Ainsley Harriott

Ainsley Harriott kicked out of satanic death cult for using too much turmeric

Speaking privately to The Rochdale Herald’s Donna Bellievitti, Satanic cultist and alleged writer Lynda la Plante discussed his expulsion from the group. "Look it's simple innit, evwywon nose dat U use Susie Salt to draw...
Laughing Jesus

Jesus admits, hollow easter eggs represent my empty promises

Jesus has clarified that hollow chocolate eggs symbolise the hollowness and empty promises at the heart of all religions. Jesus, or "The Light", as he prefers to be known said, "It's nothing to do with...

Local man begins annual quest to find Muslim offended by the word ‘Easter’

Our intrepid reporter Charlie Stuart spends the day with a patriot on a mission.

Trump to brave Muslim controlled no go area during UK Visit

Despite the advice of Fox News commentator, Steven Emerson, advisors to Donald Trump have said that there is a strong possibility that the so-called President's main rally on his upcoming visit to the UK...
Brian

Corbyn confirmed as ‘not Messiah, but a very naughty boy’

In a shock revelation today, it has been confirmed that the Labour leader and General Election candidate Jeremy Corbyn is not in fact the Messiah, but instead is 'a very naughty boy.' The announcement came...

Terrorists rejoice at lower energy bills as Jihadis unplug TVs

Terrorists worldwide are saving money on their energy bills as millions of Jihadis unplug their Samsung smart TVs from mains sockets. The move comes after revelations that the CIA and GCHQ have hacked into the...
Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn branded anti-Semitic after celebrating crucifixion of Jewish man

Jeremy Corbyn has been forced to deny further allegations of anti-Semitism after being spotted celebrating the crucifixion of a Jewish man. The Jewish man in question died 2000 years ago after a short trial following...

Not enough young gay men commit suicide say arseholes in Anglican Synod

The utterly irrelevant small minded patronising pricks, bitches and utter arseholes in the Anglican Synod have said that not enough vulnerable young men kill themselves every year.

Proof of God spotted in East Midlands

Huddersfield photographer Golcar Matt snapped a cloud in the shape of Great Britain, and meteorologists are debating its religious significance. “It is a clear sign of a Catholic God,” said Shinner McVeigh. “Just look at...
People on bus laughing

Religious fervour hits Rochdale bus passengers

A local member of one of the world's 4200 religions is utterly convinced that his is the correct one.   Stating confidently that “It is, innit?”, a Rochdale resident proceeded to explain to exasperated passengers...

PETA free thousands of battery farmed Jesuses forced into tiny cages for their chocolate...

Religious rights activists have launched coordinated raids around the world this morning and have successfully freed tens of thousands of battery farmed Jesuses from cages in barns. The Jesuses who are farmed for the chocolate...

If one more person says Merry Birthday to me I’m going to lose my...

Everyone knows someone with a birthday around Christmas day. Those whose birthday falls on the big day itself are the worst off but spare a thought for the big man. How tedious must it be...

Jesus to have birthday party in August

Jesus Christ has gone on the record to say that he is absolutely sick and tired of relatives and friends buying him joint birthday and Christmas presents.

Sex scandal latest – vicar says he was touched by God

In a startling new development in the ongoing revelations of sexual impropriety, Father Peter O'Fiall of St. Thomas the Dubious Roman Catholic Church in Rochdale, claims that he 'was touched by God' many years...

Jesus admits to slamming doors of heaven on Jehovah’s Witnesses

There was consternation today as Jesus revealed to The Rochdale Herald that he slams the doors of heaven in the faces of Jehovah's Witnesses. Jesus said "They were the dumbest thing I ever invented. Basically,...

Mary and Joseph to appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show following immaculate conception doubts

The parents of Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph, will appear on a festive edition of the Jeremy Kyle Show next week, following doubts over the Messiah's paternity. Titled 'Immaculate Conception or Spectacular Deception?', it is...

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