The Roman Catholic Church has accused a convicted Asian paedophile gang of cultural appropriation.

Vatican spokesman, Riccardo Ricci said, “This is disgusting. We were doing paedophilia for centuries before their religion was even invented. Did St Stephen not pause to abuse several altar boys on his way to his stoning? Having sex with children is one of the main pillars of Christianity. Why, Mary herself was 9 when she was impregnated by our Lord with our Lord.”

Several Vatican officials are calling on the Pope to take legal action in order to get paedophilia classified as a traditional specialty and recognized by the EU. This would mean that not just anyone would be able to set up as a paedophile ring.

One Priest told us, “If they’re going to assume the role of paedophilia then they need to do indulge the other aspects of our culture. They should dress in black, perform 2 hour Latin Masses 5 times a day, drink the blood of our Lord, preach about poverty whilst simultaneously having so much money that you’re one of the richest organizations in the world, simony and make sure loads of your followers die of AIDS because you find condoms aren’t part of God’s plan. Unlike having sex with children which is clearly part of God’s plan.”

Meanwhile, several Amercian Priests have attacked many Italian Priests for wearing baseball caps and jeans. This, many of the American Priests said is a sign of cultural appropriation. One told us, “If you’re going to wear a baseball cap you should at least be about to spend 5 hours of your life eating peanuts and watching a game that is entirely incomprehensible to any normal person. So basically, cricket fans are the only people you should do it.”

If you’re worried about cultural appropriate then perhaps you should get out more and find a proper hobby.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.