Jesus has clarified that hollow chocolate eggs symbolise the hollowness and empty promises at the heart of all religions.

Jesus, or “The Light”, as he prefers to be known said, “It’s nothing to do with Paganism really. I invented that initially before hitting on the idea of monotheist religion. It was too complex having different revenue streams. Consolidation meant we could maximise our prophets.”

Jesus continued; “At the heart of all the Abrahamic religions is a bunch of empty promises. Pray for your relative who is ill. It’s a load of rubbish. We’ve decided in advance who is going to die and when. Prayer just makes people keep coming back.”

Jesus also revealed that being on someone’s side during a war is a load of rubbish. “I can’t be bothered with that. The result of all wars has already been determined. I create everything so I create the wars. No amount of prayer is going to change the outcome.”

We also asked Jesus why he works in such mysterious ways. He said, “I’m left handed and created a right handed world. Of course, that was an error but I should have solved it all during the flood.”

Jesus was quite non-committal on when he would next visit Earth. He told us that as the last time he was here the Romans crucified him he didn’t feel really welcome. He’s also started a new Pilates class on a weekend so he’s quite busy.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.