The utterly irrelevant small minded patronising pricks, bitches and utter arseholes in the Anglican Synod have said that not enough vulnerable young men kill themselves every year.

The Synod is comprised of three houses; irrelevant old men who believe in a benevolent sky pixie; repressed celibate homosexuals and bloody horrible nosey old women.

Otherwise known as the Bishops, the Clergy and the Laity.

To their credit the Bishops tried to introduce a report to the Synod suggesting that the Church adopts a “fresh tone of welcome and support towards gay people” under the proviso that “fags shouldn’t find love, get married or ever, ever, ever have sex”.

The motion to introduce the controversially named “We Ought To Be Nicer To Poofs After All God Hates Them” report was voted down, presumably by the horrible old women in the Laity who also voted against women being allowed to become Bishops.

“Why should queers be happy? I’m not happy.” Said Ethel Schadenfreude (86) a leading opinion maker in the Anglican Synod. “Next they’ll be telling me it’s wrong to chemically castrate them. Welcoming poofters just isn’t Christian. And I’m a Christian.”

Archbishop Mike Rotchburns who penned the report that was rejected by the Synod said;

“It’s not as if I suggested we should let homos get married in church or anything I just thought we could stop the old ladies from the Laity from hissing and spitting on them when they come into church. Fat chance of that the old bitches.”

The Reverend Willie Fisterbottom of Rochdale’s Sacred Heart Church told the Herald.

“It’s perfectly fine to be a gay priest provided you pretend to be a straight priest or are just completely celibate.”

An old lady died of logic after Richard Dawkins asked whether God or Jesus might have been a little bit gay.

“All I said was, as it says in Genesis 1-26-27, that if man is made in God’s own image and some people are gay, surely God must be at least a little bit gay. If he wasn’t completely fictional of course.”

The church continues its inevitable decline into obscurity.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.