Jesus Christ has gone on the record to say that he is absolutely sick and tired of relatives and friends buying him joint birthday and Christmas presents.

“It’s really not on and it’s definitely not fair.” Said Jesus this morning. “It’s bad enough that Dad has forsaken me but to then only buy me one present for Christmas AND my birthday, well, what can I say. I’m a bit cross.”

“He thinks it’s funny to wish me a merry birthday. I hate that almost as much as I hate the money lenders in the temple.”

“Is it too much to ask that he gets me a separate birthday and Christmas present, it’s not as if I’m asking him to walk on water. And I know he can do that.”

“This has been going on for ages. Three wise men bought me Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh for my birthday. Why couldn’t they bring me a couple of selection boxes too for a Christmas present while they were at it?”

“People keep asking themselves ‘what I can I give him?’ Well here’s a thought…gift vouchers. They don’t call me Christ the Redeemer for nothing.”

“It’s bad enough that I have to wait a whole year before I get any presents, but when I do they’re always wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. They do sell birthday wrapping paper in December you know.”

“Merry fucking birthday to me. I don’t like Turkey and don’t get me started on the whole cake situation. A candle on a Christmas Pudding is NOT a birthday cake.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.