The parents of Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph, will appear on a festive edition of the Jeremy Kyle Show next week, following doubts over the Messiah’s paternity.
Titled ‘Immaculate Conception or Spectacular Deception?’, it is understood that the show will feature guest appearances from several people present at the nativity, including the innkeeper, two of the wise men and a donkey, and then conclude with the all-important DNA test.
Speaking from the show’s green room, Mary told the Herald that she denied any sort of infidelity and would be sticking by her story that the pregnancy was the result of divine intervention.
“See, what it is, yeah, is that there was this big fairy or angel or sumfin’, and he came into my room when I was asleep and I was like, ‘OMG what are you doin’ you pervert? Are you a paedo or sumfin’?’ and he was all like, ‘Nah, it’s not like that, I need your help and that,’ and I was like, ‘Well, you better not be lookin’ at my tits or I’ll get my hubby to bang you out’.
“So then he says that he’s God’s messenger, like WhatsApp or sumfin’, and says that I’ve been chosen to have God’s baby, so I was like, ‘I ain’t not goin’ to have no baby with some random! Do you fink I’m some sort of slag or what?’ and he was like, ‘Nah, there won’t be no shaggin’ or nuffin’ it’ll just kind of happen with magic and that’.
Mary explained that she was initially reluctant to go along with the proposal but changed her mind when the full benefits – benefits being the operative word – became clear.
“So I says to him, I says, ‘But what do I get, yeah, because I ain’t getting’ all fat and that unless I get some proper compo, you hear me?’ and he was like, ‘Well, yeah, obvs, ‘cos you’ll be like the mother of God, so you’ll get into Heaven, which is well lush, and people will give you heavy respect, like Beyonce or Gemma from TOWIE’.
“But then I says to him that my cousin Deborah, who is a bitch by the way, well when she got pregnant she got a free house and loads of benefits and that, so he said that he couldn’t work miracles but he would see what he could do.”
Mary then provided that the angel eventually offered to give her a two-bedroom flat in Nazareth and six denarii a month in child support, in exchange for her agreeing not to spell Jesus with a ‘G’.
However, her husband, Joseph, has begun to question Mary’s account of the conception after his work colleagues raised doubts about her alleged chastity.
“We were round at Abraham’s fitting some new floors and I was telling them about how fit Mary is and how it was amazing that she had been picked by God because she was dead pure and that, and they all started laughin’,” he told our reporter.
“So I says, ‘What’s funny, eh, you disrespectin’ my missus or what?’ and they were like, ‘Pure, mate, you kiddin’ me? She’s been nailed more times than that floorboard you’re standing on’, and then they told me about one time they had seen her and Isaac from Capernaum snoggin’ behind his fishing boat.
“Now I’m not saying that that means she’s not a virgin or nuffin’, but it’s not every day that your missus tells you she’s up the duff because God needs a vessel for the saviour of humanity.”
The Herald is not at liberty to reveal the results of the DNA test, but it can reveal that the Angel Gabriel has been kicked out of Heaven after God accused him of being a ‘dirty bastard’ and then offered him a square-go outside the Wetherspoons next to the Pearly Gates.