In a shock revelation today, it has been confirmed that the Labour leader and General Election candidate Jeremy Corbyn is not in fact the Messiah, but instead is ‘a very naughty boy.’
The announcement came on Thursday morning from a spokesperson for Labour’s National Executive Committee, the organisation that has been campaigning for Corbyn to get nailed to a cross or rolled in a carpet and chucked off Westminster Bridge for a number of years.
Speculation has been growing in recent weeks after a crowd of 435,000,000 turned up in Central Liverpool to watch Corbyn give a speech, heal the sick and turn White Lightning into Bulmers.
A carefully-prepared statement stated: ‘It has come to our attention that Mr Corbyn is not quite the ‘Messiah’ that is being portrayed by Momentum and people who shop in the Co-Op.’
‘It is with a deep level of regret that we confirm that he is in fact ‘a very naughty boy.’
‘Last week, it came to our attention that Mr Corbyn shared a curry with Skeletor in 1991. This is inexcusable because of his dining partner’s well-known efforts to cause instability through terror in Eternia.’
‘We may have been able to overlook this indiscretion, but at the same time it also emerged that the table was shared with Cyril Sneer from The Raccoons and that guy with the cat from Inspector Gadget.’
‘Heaven knows what he would manage to do to him if ‘next time’ really was the last time.’
‘We also now have hard evidence that he shared a platform with Cambodian dictator Pol Pot in 1989. CCTV shows both of them 20m apart waiting for a train at Clapham Junction.’
‘With the election only a week away, we are considering our options very carefully.’
‘We may be forced to promote Diane Abbott to the hot seat instead, but she is currently having difficulty remembering the code to the gate at Labour HQ.’
‘We’ve made it extra-easy by having ‘0000’, but she just stands there and fumbles around looking for the letter ‘o.’
‘Her PA told her just to look for the button that looks like the last letter of ‘afro’ but stretched out a bit – she still cocks it up.’
We approached Mr Corbyn for a comment, but he was already whistling a happy tune while being ‘otherwise engaged.’
Simon Harris is the recently unmasked (thanks Guardian!) editor of Southend News Network.