Jesus H Christ has gone on the record to say that he is absolutely sick and tired of relatives and friends buying birthday presents for Christmas.

“It’s really not on and it’s definitely not fair.” Said Jesus this morning. “It’s bad enough that Dad has forsaken me but to then only buy me one present for Christmas AND my birthday, well, what can I say. I’m a bit cross.”

“He thinks it’s funny to wish me a merry birthday. I hate that almost as much as I hate the money lenders in the temple.”

“Is it too much to ask that he gets me a separate birthday and Christmas present, it’s not as if I’m asking him to walk on water. And I know he can do that.”

“I’m going to have a birthday party in August so he has to get me two presents. Even Lucifer gets a separate Christmas present and a birthday present.”

“It looks like being the son of God counts for nothing around here.”

“This has been going on for ages. Three wise men brought me Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh for my birthday. Why couldn’t they bring me a couple of selection boxes too for a Christmas present while they were at it?”

“People keep asking themselves ‘what I can I give him?’ Well here’s a thought…gift vouchers. They don’t call me Christ the Redeemer for nothing.”

“It’s bad enough that I have to wait a whole year before I get any presents, but when I do they’re always wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. They do sell birthday wrapping paper in December you know.”

“Merry fucking birthday to me. I don’t like Turkey and don’t get me started on the whole cake situation. A candle in a Christmas Pudding is NOT a birthday cake.”