Everyone knows someone with a birthday around Christmas day. Those whose birthday falls on the big day itself are the worst off but spare a thought for the big man.

How tedious must it be for people all over the world to celebrate your birthday and not even bother sending you a card or even tagging you on Facebook?

We asked Jesus how he feels about it.

“It’s shit,” said the son of God. “It really is.”

Looking visibly upset he told us “Every year for the last two millennia people have had these big fucking birthday parties for me and I’ve never even been invited.”

We asked the Messiah whether he ever received any of the millions of prayers offered to him in celebration of his birth.

He told us “Its always the same. ‘World peace blah blah blah.’ ‘End to hunger or disease or whatever.’ ‘Can I have a bike for christmas yaddah yaddah yaddah.’

“It’s want, want, want from you lot. Where are my birthday presents, eh? What do I get? Fuck all that’s what. I tell you this, if one dickhead says Merry Birthday to me this year I’m going to lose my shit. As if being your own father AND ghost at the same time wasn’t fucked up enough I get this bollocks. I’ve had it. Piss off, I’m going for a walk on the Sea of Galilee, clear my head.”

Merry……no let’s not risk it.

Thomas Thomas is Sub-Editor for The Rochdale Herald. Thomas is proud to support such causes as "Cornwall for Jam First" and "Drop Scones Not Bombs". His personal motto is "Fuck it, why not?"