US celebrates Independence Day by ceding from Trump

Secret delegations from the 50 states of the United States of America have agreed a plan to avoid the impeachment of Donald Trump as President of The United States of America, The Rochdale Herald...
Russophobia

Russia accuse Boris of hysterical Russophobia

Russia has responded to Boris Johnson's accusations of war crimes by counter-accusing the British government and Boris in particular of 'Russophobia.' Despite what one may assume, this is not the fear of trendy young comedians...
Children Running

Teaching children to Zig Zag best way to avoid school shooting fatalities, say NRA

In the wake of yet another mass school shooting in the USA the National Rifle Association have suggested that the tragedy could have been prevented if children were taught basic sniper dodging tactics. Mike Ropiness,...
Garda

Emergency services called after Bob Geldof disappears up his own arse

Two fire engines along with police and ambulance crews were called to the centre of Dublin after reports came in that a man had vanished up his own arse. A number of people were treated...
Blair Middle East Refugees

The Middle East starts packing as Blair hints at return to politics

The Oxford English definition of irony, former Middle East Peace Envoy, Tony Blair, suggested a political return may be on the cards in a magazine interview published earlier today. The comments came in reference to...

Trump Spokesman Revealed As Black Knight

The Herald can exclusively reveal today that the Trump campaign aide, Michael Cohen, is the mysterious Black Knight.   The secretive warrior and guard to stuff that King Arthur needs to get past revealed himself last...
Book

Modern Day Presidential latest euphemism for complete and utter numpty, say linguists

As Humpty Dumpty said, "When I use a word, it means whatever I want it to mean." Clearly in a world of self-reductible horseshit, where it is acceptable to proclaim "Brexit means Brexit" and...
Trump Salute

Trump demands to see soldier’s long form death certificate

Donald Trump has demanded that the widow of Sgt La David Johnson release his long form death certificate following a row about whether or not Donald believes her that her husband is actually dead. Donald,...
White House Nativity

Official White House Nativity scene to feature baby Jesus with Trump’s face

The first image of the official White House nativity scene has been released, and it is already causing quite a stir. Every character in the scene is depicted by someone from the Trump administration, including...
Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin wins Russian Presidential election with 110% of the vote

Vladimir Putin will lead Russia for another six year terms after securing victory in the Russian "election" today. With almost all of the ballots counted he has received almost 110% of the vote, a shockingly...

Trump says he didn’t sexually assault 3.52 billion other women

Bewigged bouffant buffoon, Donald J. Trump, an actual potential president, made the claim at his latest rally. The tiny handed eater of souls came under heavy criticism for a string of alleged sexual offensives from...
Venezuela

Sinn Fein election observer confirms Venezuelan blowjobs, cocaine and elections are best in world

"I've had my share of blowjobs," confirms Jarry Odoms, mouthpiece of Sinn Fein. "But nobody does erections, I mean elections, like the Venezuelans. Now Martin McGuinness, he sucked. Really sucked. But the Venezuelans are...

Trump promises to help Puerto Ricans who present him with dry US birth certificates

President Donald Trump has responded to criticism of his failure to rush aid to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria by promising to help Puerto Ricans who can present him with a...

12th Doctor Who to Run for French Presidency 

Peter Capaldi AKA The Doctor has expressed an interest in becoming the French President at the next election. The current Timelord who is also famous for playing the sweary Malcolm Tucker in the hit...

Turkish voters refuse to believe Erdogan a dictator till they see it written on...

Turkish voters across the country are still refusing to believe that Erdogan is an autocratic dictator despite the fact that he's locked up all the opposition journalists. "We need to see it on a big...

Director of CIA asks Jason Bourne to drop in on Trump for a ‘quiet...

The Director of The CIA, John O'Brennan, asked Jason Bourne to pop over to Trump Tower. Following allegations Donald Trump made about the US intelligence community leaking reports of recordings of alleged encounters with Eastern...

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