The so-called “President” of the United States has ordered the CIA release all of the files relating to the attempted assassination of Texan oil baron JR Ewing more than 37 years after the incident.

The documents have yet to be published on the National archives website and analysts all over the world are dying to pore over the hundreds of thousands of hand-written pages relating to the notorious incident, according to sources close to Donald Trump.

Mr Trump said he wanted to release all governmental material relating to the 1980 shooting of the American oligarch but was being hampered by both the FBI, NSA and CIA who have all denied the existence of the material.

“We all know who is behind this crime.” Donald Trump told reporters. “It’s an open secret that Barack Obama shot JR and the Democrats and Libtards covered it up. We will get to the bottom of this.”

A spokesman for the US National Archives said: “What the hell is the loon talking about. This whole thing was cleared up years ago. Everybody knows Kristen Shepard shot JR. We sent him the tape last week.”

“Doesn’t have anything better to do? Like, oh, I don’t know. Leading the free world?”

Asked if Mr Trump was angry that he had been unable to fulfil his undertaking to conclusively prove that Barack Obama was behind the shooting and government agencies being unable to provide evidence beyond a grainy Betamax recording of the Who Done It episode of Dallas from November 21st 1980 a spokesman said:

“The President wants to ensure full transparency and he thinks the FBI are definitely hiding evidence that can pin this on Obama.”

He also send something about Roswell, mind control and faking the moon landings but we had stopped listening by then.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.