Royal Navy

Royal Navy ordered to kill any f*cking Frenchman who so much as looks at...

19
10 Downing Street has ordered the Royal Navy to kill any f*cking Frenchman who so much as looks at a British fish. The order has...
Burnley Teenager

Burnley schoolgirl goes whole term without getting pregnant

0
The leader of Burnley council has called for calm today, after it was revealed a Burnley schoolgirl went an entire term without becoming pregnant. Eric...
Trump Child

Department of Justice confirms that Trump will be tried as an adult

1
The Department of Justice has confirmed that if and when Donald Trump is indicted for colluding with Russia during the 2016 Presidential election he...

Vatican declares official miracle after England win on penalties

0
The Vatican has tonight declared an official miracle following England's penalty shootout victory over some goat farmers from Colombia. The victory is the first...
Donald Trump

Donald Trump calls for a ban on schools after latest US school shooting

0
So-called 'President' and full-time Twitter troll Donald Trump wants a 'total and complete shutdown' of schools in the US after the Florida School shooting earlier...

Trump adds Germany to Travel Ban after hostages taken at Nakatomi Tower

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Donald Trump has added the populations of Germany and Austria to his controversial travel ban after hearing reports that terrorists have taken hostages at the Nakatomi Tower in Los Angeles, again.
Michael Gove

Impossible to see photo of Michael Gove and not say ‘Twat’ research proves

16
Researchers at Rochdale Community University have proven conclusively that is impossible to look at a photograph of Michael Gove with a muttering the word "twat".
Corbyn Glastonbury

Jeremy Corbyn announces plans to nationalise the Glastonbury Music Festival

23
Standing on the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury, Jeremy Corbyn had a Eureka moment. "If all these bloody people can afford to come here at these...
Heart Attack

What do you mean bride’s father pays? Asks Meghan Markle’s father before heart attack

0
It's been suggested that Meghan Markle's dad had a heart attack shortly after being told that the brides father should pay for his daughters...
HMS Queen Elizabeth

Three billion seems reasonable for boat with hole in it, says Government responsible for...

0
The people responsible for negotiating the UK's exit from the European Union have confirmed that three billion pounds is a completely reasonable sum of...
Factory Fire

Explosion in Burnley pie factory causes £3.14159265359 of damage

0
Since the early 1970s, the Trivial Piesuits factory has been a welcome source of employment, nourishment, and scent for Burnley residents. The squat factory unit,...

Burnley mum left ‘fuming’ after finding half a vegetable in packet of frozen rats

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A Burnley supermarket has been forced to remove dozens of dead rats from its shelves after a customer reported finding half a vegetable inside...
Theresa May Christmas

Theresa May gets into Christmas spirit by ordering census and slaughtering first born children

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Theresa May has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of...
Student Loans Company

Bloke from the Student Loans Company still thinks they’re getting their money back

0
A delusional representative of the Student Loans Company has said that he is still optimistic that they might get some of the money back...
Katie Hopkins

VICTORY! I am a racist, not a druggie says Hopkins

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Katie Hopkins is celebrating her racist and drug-free status tonight, it has been confirmed. Hopkins, 67, made a complaint to the Independent Press Standards Organisation...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson wins coveted softest mouth in Hull prison award

0
Tommy Robinson has been voted HMP Hull's softest mouth award. Mr Robinson will be awarded the prize in a ceremony to be held on the...

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