Nigel Farage, the former leader of Ukip, has told The Rochdale Herald that if it wasn’t for his £4M house, his £2.5M investment portfolio and his EU pensions he’d be practically skint.

During an interview with the Daily Heil, career politician Farage discussed the innermost gory details of his bloody awful personal life and his contempt for career politicians.

“There’s hardly any money in politics. Except for the kickbacks, pensions, expense acounts, perks and massive salaries of course.” We imagined he would have told us if we were a real newspaper.

“Unless of course you know a thing or two about currency trading and how to short sterling against the dollar by announcing that the Remain campaign have won so that Sterling will bounce when in fact Leave have swung it.”

Former commodities trader Nigel Farage currently lives in a £4M house in Chelsea and has been earning approximately £90,000 a year from his role as an MEP since 1992. Though he insists he made nothing from shorting the Forex market during the Brexit referendum.

“There was a time when you could be friends with billionaires and hedge fund managers and they’d sort you out for influencing market conditions for their short positions.” Said The Rochdale Herald’s political analyst.

“Now former politicians have to fall back on subsisting on multi-million pound book deals, massive pensions and hundreds of thousands of pounds a year in television appearances and image rights.”

Recent ONS statistics revealed that the average weekly pay in the UK, without bonuses, is less than £500 per week, or about £25,000 per year.

“If I sell everything I’ll be down to my list five or six million. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”