ISIS claim responsibility for self-service checkouts
So called 'Islamic State' have claimed responsibility for supermarket self service checkouts.
A statement released by ISIS said they came up with the idea after...
Jeremy Corbyn under investigation after making vicar’s daughter cry during hustings
Leftist wheat-eater Jeremy Corbyn came under fire from his own back-benchers today, after being accused of making a girl cry, and not just any...
Deselecting MPs implicated in electoral fraud before election “Hadn’t occurred to me” claims PM
The Prime Minister claims the possible loss of up to twenty MPs from a working majority of seventeen in the run-up to Brexit is...
David Davis replaced as Brexit negotiator by two short planks
The government announced this morning that Chief Brexit negotiator David Davis is to be replaced by two short planks.
It's believed the replacement of Mr....
Monty Python Parrot cleared fit for work by ATOS
The famous Monty Python Parrot was cleared for work this morning following a work capability assessment interview.
Child taken from mother after being forced to live as a Tory
A seven-year-old boy from Rochdale who had been "living life entirely as a Tory" has been taken from his mother's care following a High...
Lucky childless bastards book affordable holiday
A pair of lucky childless bastards have managed to book an off-season five star holiday to an empty resort at a cost of almost...
Woman who put cat in wheelie bin appointed goodwill ambassador to World Wildlife Fund
In a controversial move the World Wildlife Fund has appointed that old woman who was filmed putting a cat in a wheelie bin in...
Wasps are little shits, confirm scientists
After years of study, it has finally been confirmed by scientists from the Special Training Institute North Grimsby, that wasps serve no useful purpose...
Prince Harry to marry woman he is barely related to
Prince Harry is breaking with Royal protocol by marrying an American actress he is barely related to.
Kensington Palace are said to be disturbed saying...
Irish Garda stalk Stephen Hawking in Richard Dawkins blasphemy mix up
After the recent news that Stephen Fry is to be stoned to death by Irish authorities for calling God 'a bit of dick', the Irish...
Fred and Rose distance themselves from Kanye
The solicitor for the notorious murderers Fred and Rose West have released a statement saying that Mrs West and her deceased husband are 'in...
Susan Boyle to sing Dead Kennedys ‘Too Drunk To F*ck’ at Trump Inauguration
In a last ditch attempt to find a "celebrity" to perform at Trump's Inauguration Scottish songstress and Britain's Got Talent sensation Susan Boyle (aka...
Sad wankers unable to even part a Londoner from his beer
Sad little wankers have today expressed dismay that their plans to sow fear into our communities and bring about the downfall of society have...
Study finds Manchester United fans have smallest penises
A new survey of football fans has discovered that Manchester United fans have significantly smaller penises than men who follow other teams.
"It's not just...
Trump’s view on border wall evolves after learning the word ‘ladder’
Donald Trump has sensationally dropped his controversial border wall plan, a key election promise, after seeing one of his Mexican labourers use a ladder for the first time.
