Not drinking will make your life feel a lot longer, according to a study that suggests not being a little bit drunk every day will really smash home the tedium of your day to day existence.

Scientists at the Institute of Institutes have confirmed that being teetotal will make your life feel thirty to forty years longer.

The paper, published in the Lancet medical journal, says people should drink five standard 175ml glasses of wine or five pints every day if they want to avoid being really really old because that will almost certainly kill you. This amount almost guarantees a stroke, fatal aneurysm, heart failure and death.

“Being teetotal will certainly guarantee that time will pass really, really slowly for you. Not drinking will make you live longer, but unfortunately that means you’ll be really, really old for a bit longer.” Professor Bryan Cocks told The Rochdale Herald.

“Being a little bit drunk certainly makes the time pass a little quicker.”

“It turns out that not drinking alcohol, not smoking, exercise and a vegan diet increases your risk of dying of old age and boredom by quite a lot.”

The risks for a 40-year-old of not drinking at least the recommended daily amount were definitely comparable to taking up regular exercise.

“Even moderate amounts of exercise can lead to death from old age. People need to be warned.”

“It turns out that living longer in most cases really isn’t worth it, most people spend the extra time waiting to die in a puddle of their own piss wishing they’d been drunk more often.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.