Slovenian “model” and “wife” of “human being” Donald Trump has lashed out at allegations in The Daily Mail that she was a sex worker who had sex with horrible old men for money.

What a preposterous allegation, it’s obvious to everybody with eyes that Melania married for love. The idea that she would have sex with a man just because he’s wealthy is a disgusting allegation and The Daily Mail have done the right thing by retracting their statement.

According to the Internet Melania fell for the irrestible Donald Trump whilst working the room at The, and it’s important for legal reasons that we state it was definitely not a brothel but it sounds a bit like one, Manhattan Kitten Club during New York Fashion Week.

Apparently there was a spark between Melania who was at that time a “successful model” who occassionally posed nude and was definitely not an Eastern European sex worker without a valid work permit.

The conversation just flowed between Melania, who at the time spoke less fluent English than Trump’s supporters on Facebook, and the married Donald Trump.

At some point after that Melania, who absolutely definitely wasn’t working as an illegal Eastern European escort for high net worth clients, had sex with Donald Trump in one of his penthouses or perhaps on his jet.

Definitely not for money.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.