Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Last man smart enough to figure out how to set clock on Microwave dies...

The last man intelligent enough to set the clock on the microwave to the correct time has reportedly died aged 74. The man, an astrophysicist...

Nightmare for woman who cleans phone screen.

A woman who felt all was well in world and wasn't troubled by current media output was horrified to learn the truth today after...
Red and green nebula

Trump Election Due To Cosmic Emissions Says Brian Cox

Professor Brian Cox has explained the recent election of Donald Trump by pointing to a rare stellar phenomenon. The Oldham-but-not-Rochdale born scientist explained:- "On the 9th...
Aliens

Aliens call off attack due to lack of funny title for this article

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Giant brain-sucking aliens from the R33-Delta 1 Q’Luurfb system have put back their planned invasion of the planet Earth we can exclusively reveal today. The...
Deep Space

Theresa May’s credibility leaves solar system

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Theresa May's credibility has become the third human-made object to travel into interstellar space less than two years after her mission began. It passed through...

Government that can’t afford to electrify TransPennine Express announces plans for a space program

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The Government has announced a vague and ill thought out plan to start a space program instead of electrifying the TransPennine Express railway line. A...

Cats growing increasingly desperate to find cure for Coronavirus

Pet cats have announced that they're ramping up their efforts to find a cure for Coronavirus as many find they're now forced to spend...
Turn it off and on

Team behind the May-Bot to try turning it off and back on again

The Project May-Bot team have announced that due to recent poor performance and unexpected features being noted, they are looking into resetting the May-Bot...
Scientists

Scientist confirms it’s impossible to grow potato behind an ear

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A top Agricultural scientist at Cambridge University has revealed that potatoes cannot grow behind or even in a persons earlobe. This shock news comes...

Researchers reclassify idiocy as alt-intelligence

Gavin Chappie of Rochdale Community University claims to have made a discovery in the development of AI.  He told the Herald that his theory may...
homeopath

Leading Homeopath Accidentally Says Something Sensible

Writing in the lifestyle magazine 'It's A Gullible Life' Dr Pie d'Piper (currently The British Homeopathic Amalgam's Integrative Dissimulation Spokesbeing) responded to the news...

BBC in new accusations of bias

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Following the release of a teaser for the upcoming Star Wars VIII documentary film, the BBC has been accused of heavy bias towards the...

Part time Internet liberals mistake disagreeing with stuff with being offended scientist proves

Researchers at the world famous Rochdale Community University published groundbreaking research this morning proving that most of the Facebook Liberal elite don't know their arses from their elbows.

The only chemicals you can kills kids with are high explosives and white phosphorus,...

Following the outcry over the alleged chemical weapons attacks in Syria, the Pentagon have confirmed that the only legal chemicals you can use to...

5G blamed for amnesia as thousands of twats forget to be Islamophobic

Amidst growing concern from the internet's top pseudo-scientists about the risks posed by mobile technology, yet another coal has been added to the fire. According...

Elon Musk to harness teenage angst as source of renewable energy

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South African science lunatic & suspected wizard Elon Musk has turned his attentions to what he calls "mankind's greatest untapped resource". A spokesperson for Mr...

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