Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Scientist

People with personalised number plates are knobs, according to latest research

Antisocial anthropologist Dr Alec Smartt revealed this astounding fact in his dissertation entitled "Discerning the class differentials in a post-modern classless society". Dr Smartt's...

Outcry as Moon to get 4G before Burnley

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There was protest in East Lancashire today, as plans by Vodafone & Nokia to launch a 4G mobile network on the lunar surface from...
Doctor

Eating food causes cancer, says government scientist

This startling fact has now been scientifically proven and published in an official report. Restaurants will be forced to close after it was discovered...

Patriots actually just thick twats scientists prove

Scientists at Rochdale's Community University have proven conclusively that people identifying themselves on social media as "Patriots" are actually just thick twats.

Heinz announces new alphabetti spaghetti for the blind

Purveyors of fine bean and pasta based tinned goods, Heinz, announced a new product this morning. A spokesman told The Rochdale Herald: "It's all about equal...

Shit closer to hitting fan than yesterday

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Analysts and experts of faecal matters are saying that the shit, that was yesterday quite close to the fan, is now a bit closer...
Pram

Engineer designs pram that fits in boot of car

Rumours are circulating around the World's scientific community that the man who has designed a pram that fits in the boot of a car...
Scientists

‘How many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a...

Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal...
Traffic Jam

Chaos on Cambridge roads after Sat Navs hold minute silence for Stephen Hawking

There has been chaos today around Cambridge today after all the Sat Navs in the town spontaneously held a minute silence in remembrance of...

Rochdale sex romp for Ozone Day

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Friday 16th of September was World Ozone Day but residents of a care home in Rochdale have been getting hot under the collar after...

Stephen Hawking’s next book titled A Brief History of C*nts

Stephen Hawking is well regarded as the largest living brain in Britain and someone whose opinions are worth serious consideration, while Mr Hunt as something rather different.
Kitten lab

Earth isn’t flat, cats would have pushed everything off edge by now if it...

Scientists around the World have finally conceded that the Earth is most probably not a completely flat disc after all. Research conducted at the University...

20 a day smoker worried 5G mast will give him cancer

A Bolton man says he fears that 5 aside football pitch flood light is actually a secret 5G mast that will cause him to...
Snapchat

Web Removes Facebook From Xmas Card List

The World Wide Web is sulking after Facebook got its birthday wrong.  Facebook flooded feeds with celebratory posts on the 23rd of August claiming the...
Michael Gove

Impossible to see photo of Michael Gove and not say ‘Twat’ research proves

Researchers at Rochdale Community University have proven conclusively that is impossible to look at a photograph of Michael Gove with a muttering the word "twat".

Streisand Needs To Pronounce Her Name Properly, Says Siri

Barbara Streizzand has used her fame as a has been screecher and ex-movie star to get Apple to alter the way Siri pronounces...

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