Vatican declares official miracle after England win on penalties
The Vatican has tonight declared an official miracle following England's penalty shootout victory over some goat farmers from Colombia. The victory is the first...
iPhone users left feeling cheated
Thousands of iPhone users around the globe were left feeling cheated this week as they eagerly awaited news of the latest model from technology...
Special place in hell for people who put kisses on Facebook comments
An ancient Biblical commandment that has been left out of Bibles and Torah for thousands of years has finally been translated.
Archeolinguist Barry Wordsworth told...
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is pregnant!
Possibly...
The female reporters at the Herald have been watching Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's tummy with quivering anticipation. And now we can exclusively reveal that 33-year-old Cheryl,...
Blank screen favourite to win Britain’s Got Talent
The blank screen caused by technical difficulties during Britain's Got Talent is now firm favourite to win.
Bookies are giving the screen more favourable odds...
Game of Thrones is more Narnia With Knockers than Tolkien With Tits says Andrew...
Comedy cultural commentator and serial gag-pincher Andrew Neil has disagreed with the Herald's analysis of Game of Thrones.
"Lord of the Rings is densely written,...
May May trigger Brexit in May? Maybe
Theresa May today revealed her plans and a slogan for Brexit; a bitter, lonely and incontinent future with seventeen cats and no continent.
The slogan...
A-Level students share their entertaining delusions about making the world a better place
As we do every year, every damn year, we headed down to Rochdale Sixth Form College. Next to Hopwood Hall College, in what our...
Susan Boyle to sing Dead Kennedys ‘Too Drunk To F*ck’ at Trump Inauguration
In a last ditch attempt to find a "celebrity" to perform at Trump's Inauguration Scottish songstress and Britain's Got Talent sensation Susan Boyle (aka...
Homeopathy shop closed after vegan snake oil found to contain old wives tails
A Rochdale homeopathy shop has been forced to close this week after it was discovered to be selling vegan snake oil containing old wives...
Andy Murray’s Mum still won’t let him quit tennis club
The Rochdale Herald has discovered that Andy Murray's Mum still won't let him quit tennis club.
"She promised me that if I won Wimbledon I...
Britain celebrates start of 40 days of losing its mind about Easter eggs
Britain has been celebrating the start of its traditional Lent activity of being outraged about Easter Eggs not saying Easter on them.
Father Frederick Seddon...
Tangled wires defy all laws of physics, confirm scientists
A study has proven that any one wire left unattended for 5 minutes, will tangle itself beyond the laws of physics.
The physics department of...
Ian Duncan Smith calls on snowflakes, losers and traitors to resolve virus problems
Ian Duncan-Smith, MP for Chingford and Minister of Nothing-in-Particular, was speaking on Radio 5 when he admitted there were problems involved with the government's...
Criminals allowed to break law in ‘specific and limited way’
The Home Office has confirmed that British criminals will now be allowed to commit crimes in a 'specific and limited way' following the government's...
Shop selling stuff people don’t buy goes into administration, again
People in Rochdale have been speaking of the shock at discovering HMV has collapsed again. Many thought it had gone bust years ago.
Stan...
