A man who failed GCSE Science has now declared that he is an expert in climate science and knows more than people who have spent the last 30 years studying climate science.

Bill Board was drinking in The Rat and Slug at the time of his revelation. Friend Stan Still said, “We were just discussing how hot it’s been recently. Then Bill pipes up to say that it’s proof that global warming is a scam to tax money from people. He then said that all the global warming evidence is fake and showed me some article on a random blog that said that the data was fake. It looked pretty good. Three were people who were scientists in the article but when you looked them up in Google you realised that their research was funded by ExxonMobil. Well there’s no wonder that they weren’t going to say that CO2 was harmful being funded by ExxonMobil. After that he starts to show us articles from Nature. But he’d obviously not read the articles as they were about how the predictions for the last few years were wrong because they didn’t take the effects of La ?’ina into account. It didn’t say anything about man made global warming not existing. In the end he lost his temper and just sat yelling strawman in a corner until closing.”

Bar owner Martin Collins said, “He’s always doing something like this. It’s because he doesn’t really understand science. Last week he spent 50 minutes telling us that evolution couldn’t be correct because a monkey can’t turn into a fish. We tried to tell him that’s not the way evolution works. Even after we’d explained common ancestors using peanuts and crisps he still didn’t get it.”

It’s understood that Bill ended up in hospital after falling face first through a bus stop whilst attempting to prove that gravity doesn’t exist.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.